I'm proud of myself today.
I spent two weeks surrounded by new people, engaging in both small talk and deep conversations, pushing myself outside of my comfort zone with improv games, trying to navigate public transportation and Google Maps in a new city (a.k.a getting on the wrong train and wandering into shady neighborhoods more times than I care to admit), interviewing with incredible companies and working up the courage to reach out and set up meetings with people I admire to learn from their story and work.
Anyways: Today. Today I gave myself permission to just be. Despite all the invites I got to hang out with people, I said no and chose to stay at home and be alone, to run errands, to sit in silence, to exercise and make a healthy lunch. Then I did the unthinkable - something my 18 year old self would have shut down at the thought of. I walked to the movie theater down the street and treated myself to a movie....alone.
"One ticket to Light Between Oceans, please." - I actually laughed under my breath as I said those words. Who am I!?
I remember my Sophomore year in college - my first year at Biola - when I did everything I possibly could to avoid eating in the Caf alone. The social shame I experienced eating alone and the reputation I believed it gave me as being unwanted, unpopular, and not enough forced me to choose eating crackers and carrots in my room over a full meal in the Caf. I was dictated by the fear of going to dinner, not seeing anyone I know and making my way through a sea of people to find a corner in the back of the room where no one would notice me eating alone.
To feel confident and excited to go to a movie alone was one of the most empowering feelings I've felt in a while (other than packing my life into the back of my Buick and driving 40 hours into the unknown). I didn't need anyone else with me to feel ok with myself. And that doesn't mean that I don't need people in my life or that I am self-sufficient. It means I know and rest in the truth that I am enough. I am enough because of Whose I am. I am enough because of how He has created me. I am enough because He lives in me and is with me - always. I have spent this past year living life with God while I've enjoyed time in community or sat at home alone, reading a book. Now I get to see the fruit of the sometimes painful process of learning to find joy in simply being with Him. It takes a level of rawness and vulnerability to remove all distractions from my heart and head, to choose solitude and to enjoy it.
That is what I did today. It felt natural. It felt like me. And THAT is something to celebrate!
What are you celebrating? Or what steps could you take towards overcoming the fear (big or small) that controls your life? I would love to hear from you! Shoot me an email in the "Contact" section or leave a comment below!
To Living Dented,